You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
