I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
