I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
