There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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