but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
