Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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