So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
