Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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