Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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