happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
