I'm gonna have a badass scar
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
