If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
wow bdsm is so cute
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
