His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
