I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
