If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
