end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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