I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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