When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
