You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
