He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
