I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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