There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
