Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's shark week go big or go home
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
