today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
