I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
