i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I didn't notice because vodka
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
