i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
