she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize