Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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