Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize