my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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