Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize