Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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