So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
