I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
