There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
