i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
