The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize