I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
