...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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