She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
