First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
