I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
