If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You took a bar mat shot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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