Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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