Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize