I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
