the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
