Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
