I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
