You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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