In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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