I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
