Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
