thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
