I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
