I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
