she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He better not be in your backpack
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
