remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
