ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
